Today.....
I don't know why but my drive and my will to do are exhausted. I feel
like at the end of a game when your legs are cramping up and you feel
like you don't have enough left in them to even push back and get a
lift out of them on a jumper or lay up. My will feels tired, I have
been disappointed so many times before that no matter how hard I push
myself inside I feel that my will won't produce results on the
outside. Such a cynical point of view but that's the only way I can
describe it....I only wonder why God continues to give me strength and
serenity to keep attempting to persevere and fight through
adversity to continue to try not to be average but to strive to be
above average or great.
23 Days ago....
One thing that's one of the worst feelings on earth is being
disappointed. When you work towards something or you expect someone or
something to go in your favor or the way you planned it. Sometimes I
think that in my mind I am too optimistic or hope that things will go
my way. Sometime things are just out of your hands and you can't
control things that happen. When it comes to someone disappointing you
it's is even harder because maybe in my case I put to much trust or of
my heart into. I think I have been disappointed by a lot of people from
family, to friends, to people I love etc etc. It's really difficult
when you are in these situations because you have a threshold in your
mind and your heart to the degree that you can with stand the hurt and
embarrassment.
I think that I have caused myself just as much pain as others and
situations have. Me being the optimist that I am I allow myself to be
vulnerable inside and think ahead hoping that things go the way I
want. Being that I am a sensitive person you would think that I would
not be as forth coming. I think with girls I hope and wish and see
things happen in my mind but when the time arises I am disappointment
yet again. Who knows I have been told to be patient, I have been told
to move on because there are "plent of fish in the sea". But that is a
segway to my next thought. Me giving up, me quiting.
I don't have a bone in my body that will let me quit. I don't have a
notion in my mind that will let me do it either. I feel like if I quit
on one thing I will quit on many things in the future. When you quit
in things now you will just be normal like everyone else. Persistance
is a key to me. It's key to be able to fight through adversity and be
able to say I made it. To be able to persevere, but while I feel this
way I always try to think logically. I have to think and consider of
my ego is getting in the way of what I need to get done. With many
decisions I refuse to let go of many things because I don't quit! It's
a crucial thing in my mind that I am at a struggle with.
A thing that I feel is critical with life is knowing yourself. When I
look at myself I see my mom on the inside and my dad on the outside.
My inside, my heart, my morals, values and ethics are from my mom. She
was the person who built me up from the inside out. I think my
decision making and ideology is definitely from her. My heart is
definitely from her too. We usually are making decisions not for our
own good but for the good of others which can at times get us in
trouble. In contrast my outside is my dad, from my looks and
mannerisms. My charisma to the way I communicate with people is from
him. I think we both are well guarded and tough on the outside. With
both descriptions in mind I think that it shows it's like I have a exo
skeleton on the outside and I'm soft inside which is what I really am.
I'm just astonished at the fact that I'm letting the world know this
LOL.
I feel like Rev Run right now I'm writing my blog on my phone and
vibin out to how I feel LOL.
But until next time I'm out....
